Stole This...

Me? Behave? Seriously...
As a child I saw Tarzan strolling naked.
Cinderella arrived home after midnight.

Pinocchio told lies.
Aladdin was a thief.
Batman drove over 200 miles an hour.
Snow White lived in a house with 7 men.
Popeye smoked a pipe and had many tattoos,
and in later years, Pac-Man ran with digital music eating pills that enhanced his performance.
The fault is not mine!

In A Day?

So yeah, this was the kind of day I had here.

First off, I baked a cake, from scratch. Flour, eggs, baking powder, milk, sugar. Only I forgot the sugar. Know what you get when you bake a cake from scratch, but without the sugar? You get really lousy bread, is what you get.

Then some kid I don't even know goes upstairs, uses the bathroom. Next thing, I hear running around up there, and then water starts cascading through the ceiling. Whatever went on in that bathroom, well the toilet clogged and overflowed. That's enough about that. I'll be burning my socks.

Oh and I got this bright idea. I had a dark blue shirt. When I was doing the laundry, I must have splashed bleach on  the shirt. Now I had a dark blue shirt with white sprinkles. I figured I might as well go on ahead and bleach the whole shirt. Into the washer went the shirt with a lot of Clorox. Soaked it, rinsed it.

How in God's name does a blue shirt bleach out and become pink? Yes, my shirt is pink. Looks like the frosting on my bread.

That's it for now.

10 Things It IS ok to Say to a Pregnant Woman

By now, it should be clear what will get you into trouble if you should blurt it out to an Expectant Mother. We won't rehash those. The following things should assure you make it out of the day alive. *

1. "I thought you said you were pregnant!" - this one comes straight out of the American Brown-nose Handbook. Sort of self-explanatory.
2. "Funny, I have these gift-certificates to the Spa, and no one to use them! Hmm..." One of the very few times in life you can actually buy love.
3. "Did I mention I am an expert foot-masseur?" Be ready.
4. "Just to keep you up to speed, I'll be doing all the chores. Thanks." Let her know who's in charge here, damn it. Oh this shows how grateful you are to be allowed to work for her
5. "You know, texting is a great way to get whatever you crave, whenever you want it." - shows her that you're very tech-savvy. And willing to do what it takes to survive.
6. "I have no problem creating a 10-course meal and then throwing it away 'cause the smell makes you sick." Foodies, write this one down, k?
7. "Want me to take that waist in a little?" Ok, this one might get you punched, as it is a little over the top. Still worth it.
8. Another good thing to say to overdue pregnant women- “Whatever you want”. Period. (courtesy of "What To Expect")
9. "You should really gain some weight. The baby's well-being depends on it!" Not sure how close you should be standing if you try this one. Try the preface: "You're stunning, ya know that?" first. Sort of tests the waters for you.
10. "Your wish is my command." Sort of makes you sound like a Genie. No one ever throws rocks at Genies. They mostly like Genies. Go ahead, be brave.

I hope I've contributed in some small way to the peaceful survival of the species. These ideas could mean the difference between making it through the Baby Festival and finding out what pain is. 

Final thought: learn how to say "yes." A lot.

If you have any you'd like to add, there are some people out here who would really appreciate it.

*Note: some of these gems came about as a result of some polling and research. Some of them came about as a result of me having a really keen survival instinct.